The backlash of falling off the wagon is a mad scramble to get back on it. I have been trying to immerse myself in books about recovery today, and came across something I wanted to share here. It’s a quiz from the book Ghost Mothers by Kathryn Rudlin, LCSW. It asks questions about your mother’s involvement in your life and then sees which you identify with, to give you a sense of whether your mother was appropriately available to you. I don’t see why it can’t be used to evaluate a father or other guardian as well, so I have amended the statements to be inclusive.
In case you are wondering what a “ghost mother” is, I will give you the definition the author provides in the book: A ghost mother is unable to unconditionally love, emotionally connect with, or successfully nurture her child.
Personally I could stop right there and say, yep, that describes my mother, now I have another label for her, great, on to the next book! But obviously I couldn’t leave it there, so I had to take the quiz and be entirely devastated to learn that she fit all the criteria. Maybe I should clarify, she fit ALL the criteria. I was sort of still hoping there were some aspects she might have succeeded in, parenting-wise, but according to this…not really.
Feel free to take the quiz if you are curious.
Check the characteristics that describe your parent:
1. __ Appears disinterested when you share thoughts and feelings with him/her
2. __Focuses more on taking care of himself/herself than taking care of you
3. __Comes across as filled with anger that is often directed at you
4. __Makes no effort to see the world through your eyes
5. __Often demeans or criticizes you
6. __Isn’t able to provide helpful advice or guidance
7. __Isn’t there to help when you need it, even in emergencies
8. __Acts in a way that makes you fearful of him/her
9. __Ignores your achievements and your desires
10.__Is overly concerned about what others think of you
11.__Inappropriately discusses personal issues with you
12.__Expects you to take care of him/her emotionally
13.__Doesn’t acknowledge your efforts to help or do nice things for him/her
14.__Rarely, if ever, says that he/she loves you
15.__Doesn’t demonstrate physical affection toward you
16.__Is frequently impatient or annoyed when you need something from him/her
17.__Doesn’t respond well to efforts to engage him/her in meaningful conversation
18.__Is unable to accept reasonable feedback for his/her behavior
19.__Doesn’t protect you from potentially dangerous people or situations
20.__Verbally or emotionally abuses you
21.__Physically abuses you
22.__Isn’t able to admit when his/her behavior is hurtful
23.__Has emotional reactions that don’t fit the situation
24.__Is superficial and difficult to get to know
25.__Treats you as an extension of himself/herself, and not as a separate person
The author then says that more than three checks would make it likely you’re dealing with a “ghost” parent. Though personally I can’t imagine how different it would have been to grow up with a parent who only had THREE of these characteristics.
Actually, the next quiz was probably more upsetting to me. I wish I could have put even one check on the list.
What does it feel like to be with your parent?
1. __I feel that I’m special to him/her
2. __I feel loved by him/her
3. __He/She appreciates what I do for him/her
4. __I feel that he/she is interested in my dreams and what’s important to me
5. __I feel motivated when I’m with him/her to be the best I can be
6. __I feel that he/she understands me
7. __I feel listened to and understood
8. __I want to share my ideas and feelings with him/her
9. __I know I can count on him/her, especially during difficult times
10.__I seek his/her advice and find it helpful
11.__I feel that he/she respects me
12.__I see him/her as my advocate in life
13.__He/She genuinely cares about my health and well-being
14.__I think of him/her fondly when we aren’t together
Everything new I read makes my mother seem worse than I originally thought.
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