First of all I want to reiterate that I believe (as do several books and my therapist) that borderline personality disorder is on a continuum with narcissism. The two can overlap, work hand-in-hand, and play into each other well and easily. My mother is a narcissist with borderline tendencies, and I would say that my sister is a borderline with narcissist tendencies. Essentially it comes down to a warped worldview, selfishness, and lack of perspective about other people that exists because as children they were not given the love, structure, and support they needed to grow. The more narcissistic person will grow to manipulate others by acting as though they are always right, and are perfect, wonderful, charming. The more borderline person will grow to manipulate others by acting as though they are always wrong, and are incompetent, overwhelmed, and in need of rescuing.
For a while I believed I *was* borderline, but I now understand that is not the case. I don’t know if you’ve ever looked at the diagnosis criteria for BPD but they certainly read like a lot of my life up until now. However self-harm, suicidality, identity confusion and the like are all present in my own diagnosis too. There are enormous differences in the way the diagnoses present themselves in real life functionality. Borderlines before recovery cannot see past their own needs and warped worldview. People with DID before recovery cannot see anything but other peoples’ needs and they have cataloged other people’s worldviews so as to be able to jump into the other person’s world at the drop of a hat. Obviously people with both diagnoses suffer before they find help, but in different ways.
My sister has been dabbling in recovery and it has brought up a lot of struggle for her. I don’t personally think that the struggle of healing is more than the struggle of living in the depths of emotional illness, but I also know that I had to be jolted out of my life, quite literally, to reach that conclusion.
She struggles with addiction, she does not take care of herself, and she has cyclical crises that involve her going to other people for “saving.” I too have struggled with addiction, I too struggle with taking care of myself, and I have until recently had a pattern of cyclical crises, but the difference is I never turned to other people to “save” me, I have tried to deal with everything alone. Some people have tried to save me, not because I asked them to but because they saw my struggle and it triggered a need in them, to be a hero. They have all ultimately been disappointed to realize that their love was actually *not* a magical healing tonic that could replace the personal journey I need to take. Hopefully they have also realized since that being attracted to an emotionally unwell person is probably not a sign that they themselves are all that emotionally healthy.
My sister is in that painful, awkward phase where she wants to heal but she doesn’t want to do any work, she wants it to be instantaneous and painless. She recently started reading a book about BPD and said that it upset her to learn about how borderlines are perceived by other people (as needy, manipulative, unstable) so she stopped reading it.
In our joined therapy session last night, the therapist asked a very poignant question in response, I thought.
“Did you think that by choosing to close the book your borderline problems would go away?”
And that’s the crux of it really, isn’t it? If something hits close to the truth, and asks her to question her actions and choices, then it is a threat to her way of life and should be banished from her mind. She has absolutely no trouble claiming the BPD diagnosis, but for her it seems like a badge of honor so far, a perfect excuse to get out of having to grow. Several times in the last couple of weeks she has actually been so brazen as to do something selfish and when I have approached her about it and pointed out that it was not acceptable, she has grinned and said, “I have borderline personality disorder, I can’t help it.”
How ridiculous! As though that’s acceptable. I have never in my life tried to get out of owning a mistake by saying, “I have DID, I can’t help it.” I can’t imagine living a life in which that is okay! Whenever alters have been inappropriate, rude, or made mistakes, I have apologized earnestly for what was said or done and never tried to use my diagnosis as a get-out-of-jail-free card. The nerve of her!
I love my sister and I have always protected her, even been a parental figure. I’ve spoiled her, bought her things, let her get away with things that aren’t acceptable, and all because, for one thing I knew she hadn’t had an optimal childhood, and for another thing, as a person only two years older than her, I had no idea how to parent correctly. So yes I love my sister, but I am realizing that I’m not sure I actually *like* her all of the time. She is 24 but functioning as a young teenager emotionally. Obviously I can relate to that, but the difference is, I can switch out of it. She is choosing not to.
Here are some distinctly borderline things she has said in conversations recently:
Conversation 1
ME: Are you sure it’s a good idea to become friends with your ex? He has a girlfriend he really loves and has been with her a long time, he doesn’t want to be with you romantically.
SISTER: Don’t say that! That’s really hurtful, you hurt my feelings, that’s mean.
ME: What part?
SISTER: You saying he doesn’t want to be with me romantically. That’s just mean!
Conversation 2
ME: I can’t believe you ate my burrito! I bought it special for my lunch today and left it in the fridge for a few hours and it’s gone! You keep doing this, it’s not okay to take other people’s things!
SISTER: *pretend innocent look* Oh I thought it was for me…
ME: Why on earth would it be for you?
SISTER: Because I like burritos…
Conversation 3
ME: I just got a letter in the mail that my car has a parking ticket that’s due today or it doubles. I assume this was you? It says you got the first notice two months ago.
SISTER: Oh yeah….I didn’t want to tell you because you’d be mad at me…
ME: So why didn’t you pay it?
SISTER: I don’t know, I forgot…but can you pay it today?
Conversation 4
THERAPIST: So what makes you think it’s okay to take other people’s food? Your sister and your landlord are both having to hide their food from you and it sounds like you find it anyway and eat it. They don’t feel safe in their own house, they can’t trust that their own things will be there when they get back. How do you justify it?
SISTER: Nothing you’re saying about the food fazes me. It means more to me than it does to them, so I don’t care. When I was four my family went through a Mcdonalds drive-thru and I was asleep so they didn’t wake me up. Mcdonalds was my favorite thing, and they didn’t wake me up. So now I feel like all food belongs to me because I was cheated out of that Mcdonalds.
THERAPIST: This is blowing me away…
ME: Tell me about it.
